I wrote the following on 4/27/15. My health has improved drastically in the last 1-2 months and I just did a 40 miles road bike ride through the gorgeous mountains surrounding Lake Tahoe. Things are much better right now, but here’s an honest look at where I was 15 months ago:
I am meaner to myself than any other person is to me – at least to my face. Even after years of lifestyle changes, counseling, stress reduction, exercise, eating well – basically doing a 180 so I didn’t die at 25, there’s still a nasty, vindictive, guilt-inducing bitch inside my head. She talks about how chubby I look from every angle in every outfit. How I shouldn’t have eaten that. How I ate too much. How none of my clothes from last year fit. How I should’ve worked out harder, or taken it easier. She tells me I can’t do it and I won’t ever be able to do it. She tells me I’m not capable of being sexy because of the winter seal blubber around my waist and hips…and arms, ugh. It’s exhausting to be beat up like that day in and day out. I would never think the thoughts I think about myself towards another person, much less say them out loud. I can’t imagine what I would say to another person if they said those things to me. I could at least be cordial to myself for heaven’s sake.
My weight has been a roller coaster as long as I can remember. But this is the first time where none of my old tricks are working. My body is doing it’s own thing and I am no longer in the driver’s seat. Cut back on calories – sorry honey, let’s pack some up on the hips for safe keeping. Exercise more – fail – no energy to function for 3 days followed by insomnia. Eat more – nice try, but we’re going to store that away for later, too. My thought life is consuming with food and being too fat. A light bulb turned came on in my head last night as I was reading a book recommended by my doctor, MultiMetabolism – I’ve eliminated the majority of my lifestyle stress, but I’m saturating my mind with stress about my weight. My body can’t tell the difference between work stress and stress over food/weight/body image, so it hasn’t received the signal yet that it’s time to rest and digest, not fight or flight. It seems to be holding on to every last ounce for dear life.
I’m recommitting today to be nice to myself. To treat myself as I treat others. If you are mean to other people, this will not work for you. You should be nicer. I love myself and I love and appreciate my body. It’s hard to believe it’s still working for me after what I’ve put it through, even though I’m only 29.