Today kind of sucks – or at least my attitude does. I slept like crap last night. I bet I woke up 25 times during the course of the night and felt like a dead log when my alarm went off. I’ve been dragging like an anchored boat all day. I’m unmotivated and unhappy, despite knowing that I’ve vastly improved over the last few years and this month (April) has been drastically better than Jan-March. I need more thankfulness. I need deep seating gratitude that can help pull me out of the pit on days like this. This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. Why doesn’t that come to mind first? Why do I sulk and feel sorry for myself as I sit in my clean, cool house, full of nice things. I’m typing on a Macbook Air with my new iPhone on my right and iPad to my left. My $27 HydroFlask water bottle a foot away. I just worked out and did yoga for over an hour while watching old episodes of Friends – my favorite TV pastime. I’m always happier when I’ve been around people. Maybe I’m coming down off of a weekend high – family and friends in town for Kyle’s birthday party. I’m alone, not responsible for much today and therefore having a pity party. I haven’t been enjoying time by myself since we got back from Sedona last week. I liked being with Kyle. I liked being responsible and having to rise to the occasion every day. When there is no occasion for which to arise, I’m in the doldrums. I need occasion, within myself, for myself, for my betterment to aspire to each day. I need to be moving towards something – or is that the old me that needs to be achieving in order to be loved and relevant? Amanda – be a human being. Be okay with being, not doing all the time. Your worth is not from quantifiable doings.
